Hitchhikerâ€™s Guide To The Galaxy. Havenâ€™t seen it. Not planning to, either, at least not until I can rent it on DVD. The reviews Iâ€™ve read are mixed: some have completely blasted it, some admitted that, though different from the original material, itâ€™s pretty good. The thing is, though, Iâ€™m too much of a purist. Iâ€™m afraid to go see this movie and find out theyâ€™ve hacked it all to pieces, at which point Iâ€™d have to go on a murderous rampage to avenge Douglas Adamsâ€™ honour. No, I think Iâ€™ll stick with the books. All the books, that is.
Revenge Of The Sith. Now that one, Iâ€™m planning to see. Not on opening night, though. You may be thinking, why? If Iâ€™ll pass on HHGTTG, why would I spend my precious time and money on a franchise thatâ€™s been less than stellar lately? Well, thatâ€™s the point: Iâ€™ve already lost all respect for George Lucas and the Star Wars franchise, so I can just relax and enjoy the special effects and lightsaber fights. Besidesâ€”no, Iâ€™m not getting my hopes upâ€”I heard itâ€™s actually a lot better than Episodes I and II. Which, really, isnâ€™t that hard to do. But Lucas better come up with something amazing to wash away the bitter taste of the latest trilogy. Letâ€™s tally up his sins, shall we?
- Jar-Jar. Why? No, seriously. Why? Was it to show off some snazzy CGI? For comic relief? It sure as hell wasnâ€™t to add anything to the story, because Jar-Jar doesnâ€™t do squat. The tiny plot points where he becomes mildly relevant could easily have been rewritten to exclude himâ€”and, except maybe for the last big battle at the end of Phantom Menace, the entire Gungan people. So all Jar-Jar did was join the evil Triumvirate of Most Incredibly Annoying Animated Characters, right up there with Scrappy-Doo and Gleek the space monkey.
- The continuity porn. Did we really need C-3PO? R2-D2? A backstory for Boba Fett? No, we did not. C-3P0â€™s appearance was especially unbelievable. First, why the hell would Anakin make a protocol droid? The kid seemed more interested in tinkering and racing than translation and diplomacy. Besides, unless he was doing it on his own time and with his own resources, I bet his owner (whose name escapes me) would rather have a droid that can help around the shop. And I can just about buy that Anakin built 3P0â€™s body, but what about the mind? Did he program his knowledge and skills himself, or did he buy some off-the-shelf protocol droid AI?
- Midichlorians. Fuck me blind, why the hell are we getting a pseudo-scientific explanation for the Force? In the first trilogy it all was very mystical and New-Agey, â€œenergy fieldâ€ this and â€œtrust your feelingsâ€ that. Fine. I was perfectly happy with that, why wasnâ€™t Lucas? Why did he have to rip off an actual scientific term in scenes thatâ€”againâ€”could have been easily ignored or rewritten?
- The romance. What the hell? Why would this smart, independent young woman fall for this whiny, self-centered little putz? Sure, heâ€™s cute and all, and heâ€™s got these nifty Jedi powers, but heâ€™s arrogant, reckless, talks back to his teacher, has boneheaded politics, and has nursed the same creepily obsessive infatuation for the last ten years. And heâ€™s a multiple murderer. Why isn’t Padme running far, far away? And why should we the viewers care? What are we supposed to feel about Anakin, aside from a violent urge to reach for the Maceâ„¢ or bitchslap the dweeb? Which brings me toâ€¦
- This is Darth Vader? Hell no. Darth Vader was a badass. A controlled, commanding, scary badass who seemed evil to the core but found redemption in the end. This kid is just an ass, not worthy of our respect, and I see nothing of the tragic villain heâ€™s supposed to one day become.
On the bright side, thereâ€™s this blog. Hilarious and insightful, and Iâ€™m sad to say it gets us inside Darth Vaderâ€™s head better than Lucas ever could. Itâ€™s almost making me excited about Star Wars and Revenge Of The Sith. Almost.