Tag: Science-Fiction

Some thoughts on a couple of movies I haven’t seen

Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy. Haven’t seen it. Not planning to, either, at least not until I can rent it on DVD. The reviews I’ve read are mixed: some have completely blasted it, some admitted that, though different from the original material, it’s pretty good. The thing is, though, I’m too much of a purist. I’m afraid to go see this movie and find out they’ve hacked it all to pieces, at which point I’d have to go on a murderous rampage to avenge Douglas Adams’ honour.

Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy. Haven’t seen it. Not planning to, either, at least not until I can rent it on DVD. The reviews I’ve read are mixed: some have completely blasted it, some admitted that, though different from the original material, it’s pretty good. The thing is, though, I’m too much of a purist. I’m afraid to go see this movie and find out they’ve hacked it all to pieces, at which point I’d have to go on a murderous rampage to avenge Douglas Adams’ honour. No, I think I’ll stick with the books. All the books, that is.

Revenge Of The Sith. Now that one, I’m planning to see. Not on opening night, though. You may be thinking, why? If I’ll pass on HHGTTG, why would I spend my precious time and money on a franchise that’s been less than stellar lately? Well, that’s the point: I’ve already lost all respect for George Lucas and the Star Wars franchise, so I can just relax and enjoy the special effects and lightsaber fights. Besides—no, I’m not getting my hopes up—I heard it’s actually a lot better than Episodes I and II. Which, really, isn’t that hard to do. But Lucas better come up with something amazing to wash away the bitter taste of the latest trilogy. Let’s tally up his sins, shall we?

  • Jar-Jar. Why? No, seriously. Why? Was it to show off some snazzy CGI? For comic relief? It sure as hell wasn’t to add anything to the story, because Jar-Jar doesn’t do squat. The tiny plot points where he becomes mildly relevant could easily have been rewritten to exclude him—and, except maybe for the last big battle at the end of Phantom Menace, the entire Gungan people. So all Jar-Jar did was join the evil Triumvirate of Most Incredibly Annoying Animated Characters, right up there with Scrappy-Doo and Gleek the space monkey.
  • The continuity porn. Did we really need C-3PO? R2-D2? A backstory for Boba Fett? No, we did not. C-3P0’s appearance was especially unbelievable. First, why the hell would Anakin make a protocol droid? The kid seemed more interested in tinkering and racing than translation and diplomacy. Besides, unless he was doing it on his own time and with his own resources, I bet his owner (whose name escapes me) would rather have a droid that can help around the shop. And I can just about buy that Anakin built 3P0’s body, but what about the mind? Did he program his knowledge and skills himself, or did he buy some off-the-shelf protocol droid AI?
  • Midichlorians. Fuck me blind, why the hell are we getting a pseudo-scientific explanation for the Force? In the first trilogy it all was very mystical and New-Agey, “energy field” this and “trust your feelings” that. Fine. I was perfectly happy with that, why wasn’t Lucas? Why did he have to rip off an actual scientific term in scenes that—again—could have been easily ignored or rewritten?
  • The romance. What the hell? Why would this smart, independent young woman fall for this whiny, self-centered little putz? Sure, he’s cute and all, and he’s got these nifty Jedi powers, but he’s arrogant, reckless, talks back to his teacher, has boneheaded politics, and has nursed the same creepily obsessive infatuation for the last ten years. And he’s a multiple murderer. Why isn’t Padme running far, far away? And why should we the viewers care? What are we supposed to feel about Anakin, aside from a violent urge to reach for the Maceâ„¢ or bitchslap the dweeb? Which brings me to…
  • This is Darth Vader? Hell no. Darth Vader was a badass. A controlled, commanding, scary badass who seemed evil to the core but found redemption in the end. This kid is just an ass, not worthy of our respect, and I see nothing of the tragic villain he’s supposed to one day become.

On the bright side, there’s this blog. Hilarious and insightful, and I’m sad to say it gets us inside Darth Vader’s head better than Lucas ever could. It’s almost making me excited about Star Wars and Revenge Of The Sith. Almost.

No More Faith of the Heart

So in case you hadn’t heard, Enterprise is due to be cancelled. Yes, that’s right: enjoy it while you can, because this season will be the last. I have a few thoughts on the matter, which I’d like to express here, if I may.

Thank you, merciful Zeus. No more craptacular theme song. No more of me wanting to punch Archer right in his arrogant jackass mouth.

So in case you hadn’t heard, Enterprise is due to be cancelled. Yes, that’s right: enjoy it while you can, because this season will be the last. I have a few thoughts on the matter, which I’d like to express here, if I may.

Thank you, merciful Zeus. No more craptacular theme song. No more of me wanting to punch Archer right in his arrogant jackass mouth. No more of me hating Berman and Braga with a fiery passion for their fucking up the Star Trek prequel series, pissing on continuity, and basically killing the franchise. Even Voyager, lame and pathetic though it was, managed to limp through to its (laughably derivative and idiotic) seventh season finale.

Let’s be fair: I love Phlox. I loved Hoshi, shy geekgirl that she was, until Linda Park started phoning in her performance and the character’s unique talents became less and less useful. Reed always has style and class. Trip was… okay as a character. And he had a nice chest. As did Mayweather; pity about that lack of lines outside of a few Boomer-focused episodes. Archer, as mentioned above, was and is a jackass: an overbearing, small-minded, impatient, somewhat bigoted tool who shouldn’t have been allowed within a light-year of any first-contact situations. Sigh. Scott Bakula is still all kinds of hot, and I did love him so in Quantum Leap. And T’Pol? A “hot” Vulcan chick, all boobs and pouty lips and ribs, played by a former model who can’t do the Vulcan thing and really needs a sandwich.

Again to be fair, and though it’s too little too late, this season’s pretty good: they finally got around to laying the groundwork for the Federation, which they should have been focusing on right from the start. And Vulcan society’s on the right track at last. You know, that may be the one thing that burns me the most: how the Vulcans were treated in Enterprise. Ever since the original series, Vulcans were a dignified and honourable people, somewhat arrogant and condescending, yes, but very logically so. They were pacifists with ancient and rigid traditions that may have seemed barbaric to humans (betrothal as children, ritual combat), but it worked for them.

So what did we see for the last three years? Lying Vulcans, warlike Vulcans, sneaky and underhanded Vulcans who were no better than humans, who didn’t mindmeld and oppressed those who did, illogical Vulcans who didn’t follow the IDIC philosophy, Vulcans who got lectured by fucking Archer, of all people, on how to respect one another. Why? Seriously, I’d like to know. Was it just done for conflict, and sort of got out of hand? Did Berman and Braga enjoy ruining the Borg and the Klingons on Voyager so much that they said, “Hey, let’s take down Vulcans on this new show!” “Yeah, sounds like fun!” “And then let’s have Archer save their culture and carry Surak’s katra!” ?

And there’s the decon gel, as though B & B were thumbing their noses at the viewers. “It’s soft-core porn in space! Woo! We’re all about the eye candy!” And the Ferengi! And that Temporal Cold War bullshit! And…

Bah. Let the franchise die. I won’t miss it, not the way it is now. Star Trek’s been dead in every way that counts for most of the last decade, anyway. If it’s a choice between continuing like this and pulling the plug, then I for one am all for euthanasia. Voyager and Enterprise are only pale shadows of what Star Trek used to be.

The original series? With all the cheese and the go-go boots and the clunkers (“Brain and brain, what is brain?” Oy.) there was… substance. Messages about racism and war, and hope for a better future. RIP, Gene.

The Next Generation? Okay, the first two seasons were generally nothing to write home about (“Justice”? Please. “Symbiosis”? Drugs are bad, mmkay. “Shades of Gray”? Save us from boring clip shows. Dr. Pulaski? No thank you.) But the third… Ah, that’s when things picked up. “Yesterday’s Enterprise.” “Sarek.” “The Best of Both Worlds.” Remember when Picard is captured by the Borg and taken to the centre of their ship to address the hive mind?

Captain Jean-Luc Picard. You lead the strongest ship of the Federation fleet. You speak for your people.
“I have nothing to say to you. And I will resist you with my last ounce of strength.”
Strength is irrelevant. Resistance is futile. We wish to improve ourselves. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service ours.
“Impossible. My culture is based on freedom and self-determination.”
Freedom is irrelevant. Self-determination is irrelevant. You must comply.
“We would rather die.”
Death is irrelevant. Your archaic cultures are authority-driven. To facilitate our introduction into your societies it has been decided that a human voice will speak for us in all communications. You have been chosen to be that voice.

Remember when the Borg were actually scary? Remember when we had a smart, educated captain commanding the Enterprise? A captain whose knowledge of linguistics and mythology helped him make first contact with a species who spoke only in mythohistorical allusions?

I remember Deep Space Nine: the grittier Trek, the Bajoran politics and religion, Cardassians and Dominion, the always entertaining Garak (sorry, “plain, simple” Garak). “Duet.” “Improbable Cause/The Die is Cast.” “In the Pale Moonlight.” The shades of grey and the longer story arcs that, true, didn’t always work, but dammit, the writers tried, and that counts for a lot.

That’s what I remember. That’s what Trek is to me. And I hope that after Janeway and Archer have faded into oblivion, it’s the legacies of Kirk, Picard and Sisko that will endure.

(And in case you’re wondering, that scene from “The Best of Both Worlds, pt. 1”? I wrote that from memory.)